would u miss me

if i woke up in the middle of the night

left ur sleepy embrace

and walked silently around in the dark

slowly peeling my touches from ur skin

removed ever little kiss placed upon u

carefully erased every caress given by me

packed my bags

and brought with me all the words said to u

filled my bags with dreams dreamt by us

making sure that u didn’t wake up

checking all the corners for lost memories

cleaning the room of all the recollections

out of ur room

into the night

out of ur life…

i never did ask u

but i did leave…

I have written a fair share about the past coming back to you, either in the form of an e-mail from an old friend, or the memory of someone you once knew. And when this friend of mine contacted me, it made me happy, and it made me think about another person, and I started to wonder whether I should contact him again.

But, it also made me think about when is the right time to contact someone you haven’t seen for ages, or should you even contact them at all. When should the past be left in the past??

Well, obviously if you and that person ended on a bad note, the past may just be better off where it is. And of course, if you already have tried to contact that person and that person did not show any interest, well, then it might just be for the best to leave that person alone… So, this other person whom I haven’t had anything to do with for years asked me if we could forget about the past…

So, this is my answer to you. No, there is no forgetting the past, because there is no past to forget about. I wasn’t interested in having anything to do with you the last time we had contact, and I am not interested now. I won’t be interested next year, or in two years time, or ever. I haven’t replied to you because I never saw the need to reply. I thought that me not answering last time, and not answering this time was answer enough. Which I think you knew, given that you pretended to be another person for so long just in order to get me to talk to you. Well, is that dignified? Anyway, I don’t hate you, I don’t even dislike you – I just don’t care. There was a time I did care for you, and a time I knew you, but all those reasons that made me care for you once are exactly the same reasons that make me not care about you now, which you magnified with the whole MorkMidas act. I am a very different person now, and there is no room for old mistakes in my life. Move on, stop lurking in the past! I wish you the best, and all the happiness you can have, but I do not have any wish to be a part of your life, or for you to be a part in my life.

sometimes the past vil suprise you with pleasants gifts, making you remember things that will put a smile on your lips. other time the past sneaks up on you, and smack you in the back of your head. there are so many things i have forgotten. forgotten, but not truly erased. all these memories need are some kind of ignition, and then they will flow back, and overwhelm me with their complexity and substance. i never thought about her, or of course i did, but a long time ago. she was a forgotten one, and when someone asked me about her, i would not care. time had made me indifferent - or so i thought.

but then, in the paper, they announced that she was dead. suddenly, suprisingly, gone. the funeral had already been, and now there are nothing left. except my memories of her. when i first was told, i thought i didn't care. i made the appropriate sounds of sadness, but i didn't feel it. i did it because it was expected of me. but then, slowly, i talked her back to life, the memories started to come trickling back. and i remembered. and in all those forgotten memories i found a suprisingly amount of tiny recollections that brought a smile to my lips. and the memories did not stop, they are still flowing, and with the visual ones came the ones with sound, with smell, with touch. I thought she was long forgotten, but she wasn't, she was just below the surface, waiting to come out. and now she has, but she is gone.

i knew her all my life, and the world is a emptier place without her...

Dude, can I get her number?

"Give me a fucking break, Helen. You can?t sit there and tell me it wasn?t you I saw on the web cam last night. I set the Goddamn thing up."

"Hell yeah. I did set your ass up, knowing that you would prove me right. I am not stupid, just blind. I didn?t know how fucking right I was, though. You don?t even do that kind of shit with me."

"Fuck that bullshit. My friends tried to tell me about you but no, I let you convince me that it was something they made up to drive a wedge between us. Well, not any more."

"I don?t give a shit if he was an ex-lover. In some ways that?s even worse. We?re supposed to be in a relationship."

"You?re Goddamned right we?re exclusive. What the fuck do you mean we didn?t agree that we would be in a monogamous relationship? All relationships are monogamous!"

"Well, where I come from they are. When we moved in together, we became monogamous. I can?t be with someone who sees it any other way than that."

"No, you shut up and listen to me for a change. I am not going to be double-talked into believing that you were doing anything other than what you were doing. I saw almost an entire fucking hour of your so-called workout. All my friends saw it too."

"Is that how you are putting yourself through school? You?re a fucking whore aren?t you? Personal trainer my ass! You?re a fucking prostitute, if you even got paid. So what is it? Are you a call girl or just a nympho that I can?t seem to satisfy? All the shit I?ve heard about you, damn. It?s all true isn?t it? I?ve been a Goddamn fool."

"Oh, you are insulted! Imagine how I felt. My Goddamn friends are hooting and hollering for me to get in there and see this shit. I get in there and they have opened my link to our web cam and are watching you and some fuckhead get it on in our Goddamn apartment."

"You?re fucking right all I can think about is myself at a time like this. I wasted a year of my uni life on a fucking slut. Who the fuck were you thinking of two fucking hours ago? I?m sure I was the farthest thing from your cheating ass mind. They all tried to tell me. Hell, I lost some good friends over you. I loved you, bitch."

"so she sat and waited for it to end. she had been waiting as long as she could remember, but it never ended. not as she knew of that was. she would sometimes walk out in the cover of the night and run in the streets. and at those times there would be friends and laughter and flashlights in the quiet alleyways. but afterwards she would always go home again, alone. and she would sit and wait.

i met her one slow afternoon, when the sun had just set and the soft summerwinds swept over paris. she sat at a cafe drinking dry and crisp white wine. she had a midnight blue dress on, and her feet was covered in purple sandals. i think it was the purple sandals that did it for me... so i sat down quietly beside her.

she would laugh towards me sometimes, and in that glow would i bask. sometimes i would ask her what she was waiting for. but she would anly smile at me, and her eyes would glaze over. and in that distance i knew i was not the one. i loved her and would never hurt her again. but life is not always an afternoon in paris. so in the end, i left.

i was never the one to be her friend, and she knew that. so when i left, she didn't say a word. she didn't even cry.

do i ever wonder if she laugh towards someone else? if she is sitting at another cafe drinking crisp and dry white wine with someone else? if those feet is still clad with those purple sandals? i do. she was the first butterfly after a long cold winter. i miss her laughter and her quiet touch. but life is not a slow afternoon in paris."

"i have this addiction, and it's a bad addiction. i tend to play solitare. well, i know it doesn't sound that bad, but when i start, i can do it for hours. one night, or one morning i found myself with blood-shot eyes staring into the computerscreen. i had been there the entire night without realising. i had to go home, not because i was so tired, but because my wrist were all stiff and painful. i think i can treat my self to one game while i am having a break, and i find my self hours later telling my self that after 'just one more game' i will stop procrastinate and do something worthwile. and then ofcourse, hours later, after that i end up having to go home coz my eyes r too sore and my wrist is too painful. i remember the time before i got a computer, i didn't have that problem. but then, i got this new boyfriend, and he introduced me to it. or, he didn't introduce me as such, but he ahd a computer, and one day, while sitting in his room alone, being slightly bored, i found the Solitare! after we moved in together, i could sit for hours in front of the computer playing these games. thinking about the relationship today, i reckon i was just as attracted to the computer than i was to him - maybe even more so...

there was always a game to be played

we would fight a lot. and there was always games being played. sometimes both knew about them, sometimes no one knew about them, sometimes games were played which we did not know anything about. there would be this guy at work - my golden guy. but of course, i never told my guy-at-home about him. we would meet, and i would tell him that i was out having coffee with friends. and in one instance it was true, he was a friend - and so much more. he would take me out in city, and we would walk around for ages, talking about things that mattered, though they don't matter now. we would talk about where we wanted to end up when we grew older, and i know i never did. we would spend lazy days laying in bed, being close. one may call it unfaithfullness, i called it fun. and then, i would go home, and play games with my boyfriend. i was 20 years - life was good.

being carefree and young. sitting at the bus stop, talking to my friend. she just came back from Amsterdam. 'so guess what' i told her, 'i got a boyfriend'. she beamed back at me, and told me that she herself had fallen in love. 'how cool, i replied, ' you have to tell me everything about him'. she looked down, and then up at me again, 'it's not a him, it's a her'. we sat there side by side for a few minutes, then we stood up and went to the nearest pub where she told me everything about her. brilliant night.

one was so youg one time. a time before i spent my life speaking english. this british guy took me to amsterdam for the weekend. it was splendid. april in amsterdam. i was strutting around in short skirts and high boots, being pampered by my man, and feeling all european and grown up. somewhere in the back of my mind i knew there might be repayment in kind, but i was hardly 21, i didn't care, and the sun was shining. one morning, i would laze in bed, watching MTV, having coffee, he came out from the bathroom, looked at me, and called me a fruitcake. i looked back at him, thought briefly, and thanked him. in my world, fruitcake was a good thing. it was later i realised it's not."

135 things about me you probably didn't really care to know...

• Can you make change for a dollar right now? NO, but can you make change for a 20?
• Have you ever been in the opposite sex’s public toilet? Yep, scary!
• Have you ever smelled your own feet? Yep
• Do you like ketchup on or beside your french fries? Beside, but it better be a lot of ketchup!
• Can you touch your tongue to your nose? Yes I can – impressed?
• Have you ever been a boy/girl scout? Nope
• Have you ever broken a mirror? Not as I can remember
• Have you ever put your tongue on a frozen pole? Yes, several times, I was a slow learner when I was a kid…
• What is your biggest pet peeve? Used to be food that touched each other, I am getting better now…
• Do you slurp your drink after it's gone? Depends on the drink. Who am I kidding? If there’s a straw, then most likely yes.
• Have you ever blown bubbles in your milk? Well yes… what kind of question is this?
• Would you rather eat a big mac or a whopper? A whopper… damnit…
• Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? Why, of course…
• When you are at the grocery store, do you ask for paper or plastic?  Plastic, double bagged, preferably
• Is the glass half full or half empty? What glass are we talking about? This glass?? Excuse me. Excuse me!! What do you mean this glass is mine? My glass was full. And it was a bigger glass!
• True or false: you would rather eat steak than pizza. True
• Did you have a baby blanket? No
• Have you ever tried to cut your own hair? Yes
• Have you ever sleepwalked? Not as I know of, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened, maybe I am just really good at getting back into bed again…
• Have you ever had a birthday party at McDonalds? No
• Can you flip your eye-lids up? Ew, no!
• Are you double jointed? Nope
• If you could be any age, what age would you be? Four and a half…
• Have you ever gotten gum stuck in your hair? Yes
• Have you ever thrown-up after a roller coaster ride? No
• What is your dream car? A red one…
• What is your favourite cartoon of all time? Simpsons
• Would you go swimming in shallow waters where, one year earlier, a shark had attacked a child? Can’t see why not
• Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit? No… have you?
• If you were in a car sinking in a lake, what would you do first? Roll down the windows and get the fuck out of it!
• Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yup, many times…
• Can you pick something up with your toes? Yes
• How many remote controls do you have in your house? I think we have three…
• Have you ever fallen asleep in school? Yes
• How many times have you flown in an airplane in the last year? 12
• How many foreign countries have you visited? About 30
• If you were out of shape, would you compete in a triathlon if you were somehow guaranteed to win a big, gaudy medal? I am out of shape, and unless the medal was made of real gold which I could immediately melt down and go out and get liposuction and all... no
• Would you rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy? Rich and unhappy, and then I would get happy… instant happiness (“,)
• If you fell into quicksand, would you try to swim or try to float? Ah, see, I have read “The Worst-Case Scenario Handbook”. You are supposed to try to float.
• Do you ask for directions when you are lost? Sometimes
• Have you ever had a Mexican jumping bean? No, what is that??
• Are you more like Cinderella or Alice in wonderland? Alice...
• Would you rather have an ant farm with no ants or a box of crayons with broken points? Would you rather have an ant farm with no ants or a box of crayons with broken points? Crayons. You can sharpen crayons. It’d be too much work to go out searching for ants...
• Do you prefer light or dark bread? Dark  
• Do you prefer scrambled or fried eggs? Scrambled  
• Have you ever been in a car that ran out of gas? Nope
• Do you talk in your sleep? Nope
• Would you rather shovel snow or mow the lawn? Mow the lawn
• Would you rather be bitten by a poisonous snake or constricted by a python? This question is tricky. Because if it’s “would you rather DIE from being bitten or constricted” then I would rather be bitten because probably the poison would work quickly. If it’s just “would you rather be bitten or constricted then go about your daily business and not die”, I’d rather be constricted.
• Have you ever played in the rain? Roger that!
• Which do you think is more dangerous: an angry bear or a hungry white shark? Depends on where you are. If you’re in the water with a hungry white shark and there’s an angry bear on the shoreline, then you’re in trouble.
• Would you climb a very high tree to save a kitten? No, because I’d be stuck up there too and the firemen would be very sad to have to carry my ass down a ladder.
• Can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? It’s all in the snoot...
• Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? Oh, SO Coke
• What’s your favourite number? 57
• If you were a car, would you be an suv or a sports car? Could I be a boat?
• Have you ever accidentally taken something from a hotel? No, I generally take stuff on purpose.
• Would you blow your nose at the dinner table? No
• Have you ever slipped in the bathtub? Too many times to count... treacherous things...
• Do you use regular or deodorant soap? I use body wash, I smell peaches…
• Have you ever locked yourself out of the house? Yep
• Would you rather make your living as a singing cowboy or as one of the Simpson’s voices? Simpson’s voice
• If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be? Sean Connery
• Have you ever gotten a truck driver to honk his horn? Oh gosh yes
• Which would you rather live with: a huge nose or crossed eyes? Huge nose
• Would you hang out with someone your best friend didn't like? Um, yes…
• Would you hang out with someone your best friend liked, but you didn't like? I’d do my best... have done in fact…
• Have you ever returned a gift? Yep
• Would you give someone else a gift that had been given to you? Nope
• If you could attend an Olympic event, what would it be? Snowboarding
• How many pairs of shoes do you own? I dunno, about 15-20 I guess, but there might be more hidden away places I forgot I put them…
• If your grandmother gave you a gift that you already have, would you tell her? No
• Do you sing in the car? Don’t have a car
• Would you rather jump into a dumpster or into a vat of honey? A vat of honey. Dumpsters aren’t good for your skin, honey is.
• What is your favourite breed of dog? Doberman
• Would you donate money to feed starving animals in the winter? Yes, if I had the money
• If you were a bicycle, would you be a stingray or a mountain bike? Stingray
• What is your least favourite fruit? Paw paw and durian – evil things!
• What kind of fruit have you never had? Dunno
• If you won a $5,000 shopping spree to any store, which store would you pick? Target...oh the rapture!! So much stuff!! (“,)
• What brand sports apparel do you wear the most? Sports? What? *blank stare*
• Are you a good student? Well, I am still at uni and it’s 0.43am, I dunno if that mean I am a very good student or I am a very bad student – you pick
• Among your friends, who could you arm wrestle and beat? Estelle would be good choice
• If you had to choose, what branch of the military would you be in? Navy
• Would you ever parachute out of a plane? YES!!
• What do you think is your best feature? Legs
• If you were to win a Grammy, what kind of music would it be for? Do they give Grammies for “songs that no one else likes”?
• What is your favourite season? Spring
• How many members do you have in your immediate family? Mum, dad, brother, another brother… and me…
• Which of the five senses is most important to you? Sight
• Would you be a more successful painter or singer? Painter
• How many years will/did you end up going to college? I have spent 6 years so far…
• Have you ever had surgery? Yup
• Would you rather be a professional figure skater or professional football player? Figure skater...
• What do you like to collect? I dunno… turtles?
• Last time you swam in a pool? In Thailand this February
• Have you ever been in a school play? We didn’t have school plays…
• How many kids do you want? Two or three, depending on money. Yes, money. I realize it's possible to be poor and happy, but I want my children to have opportunities and I feel that if I have nine kids on my current salary, we'll be eating cheerios for every meal. Plus they'll have to wear kleenex boxes for shoes. Actually that would be funny. I would get to laugh at my kids. Plus if I had lots and lots of kids I could make them bring me stuff... *shakes head* no no no, no no. Sorry.
• Are you registered to vote? Yes.
• Do you have cable? Nope, don’t think so…
• Have you ever ridden on a moped? Yes!
• Ever prank call anybody? Is “calling under influence” a prank call, then I still do…
• Ever get a parking ticket? Don’t have a car
• Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Both, if a had to choose, sky diving!
• Furthest place you ever traveled. I’ve been around the world…
• Do you have a garden? Kind of, there is this little green spot next to the house which we talk about putting some garden furniture out on so we can get to enjoy it in the evenings and have fab bbq’s and garden parties…
• What's your favourite comic strip? Used to be this comics about elves, dunno the name in English though
• Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Ehrm… I know the first verse, no one ever sings the rest…
• Bath or shower, morning or night? Shower in the moring, hate to go to bed with wet hair
• Best movie you've seen in the past month? Hard to say, at the moment I think Finding Nemo is one of the candidates
• Favorite pizza topping? Tomatoes, mushrooms, olives, extra cheese, minced beef, pineapples…
• Chips or popcorn? During a movie? Popcorn. The rest of the time, chips.
• What color lipstick do you usually wear? Dark purple-ish red, lipgloss during day though
• Have you ever smoked peanut shells? What?
• Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? BWAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahaha. No.
• Orange juice or apple? Orange juice
• Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? My mum, went to Summit restaurant
• Favorite type chocolate bar? Melkesjokolade, but that’s just because I can’t get it
• When was the last time you voted at the polls? 5 years ago?
• Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Dunno, 20 years ago or something…
• Have you ever won a trophy? Cross country skiing and air rifle competition
• Are you a good cook? I feel braggy but I am an excellent cook.
• Do you know how to pump your own gas? Yes, yes I do.
• Ever order an article from an infomercial? Nope
• Sprite or 7-up? If I HAD to choose, Sprite.
• Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? Yup, I worked at an amusement park one summer, and we all had to wear polka striped uniforms in pink and white – very flattering
• Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Foundation and blush
• Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? Being a millionaire, then I can buy luv…
• Do you believe in love at first sight? Not really
• Can ex’s be friends? I find it hard to believe, but I have been told that it does happen…
• Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? I don’t think so, I don’t know anyone who knew me when I was a baby, so it’s hard to say…
• What message is on your answering machine? I dunno, my flatmate recorded it…
• What was the name of your first pet? Siri
• What is in your purse? Calculator, flip-flops, sunnies, highlighter, handcream,  mobile, wallet, lipgloss, chap-stick, eye-liner, necklace, pens, keys… that’s it
• Favorite thing to do before bedtime? Sex. What? Who said that? I meant um... read. Yeah, read.