I feel bad today,

not “I’m a bad mama” kind of bad,

neither “I don’t wear any undies” kind of bad…

just bad,

bad because I know I did wrong,

and bad coz there is nothing to do about it

I want to say I am sorry,

but will he listen,

will it even matter?

experience is a two-egged sword,

you learn that what you did was not right,

but did you learn that the other option was?

so, next time you find you self in that position,

you do it the other way around,

and then you realize it wasn’t right either.

and then of course,

I was drunk…

he had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen…

The shame

How could I give my self to you,

and not feel ashamed over what we did?

Being enclosed in your arms,

and not feel that it was wrong?

Snuggle close to you,

and not feel that I lost you?

Cos only in our physical separation could I feel truly close.

I thought I could deceive destiny,

and still look you into your eyes with pride,

- so wrong.

And for every kiss,

every embrace,

did I lose you,

and lose myself in you.

I wasn’t made for this,

this isn’t in my nature.

I miss the knowledge,

the knowledge of my own insignificance.

And I seek it so desperately.

And the shame is burning inside of me,

as an angry flame does it burn my soul.

And I can only beg for mercy,

and release you from my life.

Windy and dark nights
I am hunting the streets
Never alone - never in company

The fumes of the city encircles me
And distort my vision
Always clear - never conscious

I love you
And in the morning you will be no more

The stars look down upon me
Twinkling in the same rhythm as my heart
I cause no harm to anyone
But my self

My mouth is common
My flesh is for all

I run the streets in the nights. . .

I called my dad last night, it was a good talk, nice to talk to him. I haven't talked to him for five months, but no one of us mentioned it, we just talked as we had spoken to eachother last week.

I haven't seen my dad in two years, two years is a long time, but also not so long. Not for the lack of wanting to see him, but the lack of time, the lack of initiative, and the lack of money. But nto wecause lack of want.

Anyway, 24 hours on a plane is just a tad too much hassle just to pop by for dinner...